It's OK to not be OK: Navigating Grief

Illustration by Megan Pizzitola (Pizzazz Designs)

Three years ago I was in one of my favorite places in the world - Mayakoba, Mexico enjoying the long labor day weekend with some good friends. I was at another cross-road in my life (yet again hoping to change careers) and I was unclear about exactly what it was I wanted to do. I had applied and was accepted to Bauman College, a holistic nutrition and culinary arts program and was expected to start school there just a few weeks later.

It was our last day in paradise and as we said goodbye to that magical place I took one last photo on the beach and felt so much gratitude for that trip. As we stepped into the elevator to leave however, a wave of uneasiness overcame me. I turned to my boyfriend and told him something didn't feel right. He asked if I felt sick and I told him that I couldn't really explain it - something was just off. Always a bit sad to return to reality, I didn't think much more of it as we headed to the airport.

Our internet had been spotty throughout the trip and we were unable to check-in to our flight online so once we arrived our friends went ahead and we waited in line to check in. After waiting for about 20 minutes without moving at all, we found out that the entire airline system had gone down across the country so they had to manually check people in with pen and paper. We continued to try and get online on our phones but I was having no luck. My boyfriend was finally able to get service and saw a Facebook message from a friend of mine saying, "Not sure if you guys are getting text messages in Mexico, but please have Hayley call me as soon as she gets this or to check her phone". She had been texting me but I wasn't getting any of the messages. I tried calling a few times but kept getting disconnected. She messaged again saying, "Pizz is in the hospital, Harborview. It sounds like a brain aneurysm." A few more messages were sent back and forth about not knowing exactly what happened but that they were going to try and do surgery once she was stabilized and then quickly escalated to, "get on a flight now, it doesn't look good."

I was pacing back and forth in line worried that we were going to miss the flight. Luckily 1/2 the plane was in our same boat so they delayed the plane until we were able to all able to get manually checked in. As we boarded, another message came through. "We just did the sacrament with Father Heric. She's gone." I immediately burst into loud tears. I remember a women behind me passing me a bottle of water and remember thinking what a kind gesture that was even though she had no idea what was going on. They made an announcement that there would be no wifi on this flight, so my boyfriend quickly booked me a one way flight to Seattle for when we landed at SFO.

During the 5 hour flight I felt numb. I had so many questions and so many people I wanted to connect with but couldn't. When I landed all of the messages came through and one in particular that clarified she hadn't actually passed yet but was on life support - there was a chance I could still make it in time to see her. I called my mom and let her know I was coming and got to Seattle around 2:00 am. I barely slept that night as I was anxious to get to the hospital.

The next morning I arrived to hospital with my mom. I've always felt uncomfortable in hospitals and that day was no exception. I remember crying in the parking garage and not wanting to get out of the car - I didn't want this to be real. Before entering the hospital room I joined a couple of other friends and met with Megan's mom, who prepared us well for what we were walking into. She thanked us for being there and told us this was our time to say our goodbyes. I will never forgot being in that room - seeing the pain in her dad and brother's eyes, reuniting with her cousin that I hadn't seen since high school, and making comments about how perfect Megan's nails looked because we didn't know what else to say to break the uncomfortable silence. Seeing her there, this was not the Megan I knew. The bubbly, giggly, always had perfect hair, friend of mine who I had known for over 20 years already felt gone. I squeezed her hand that day hoping she would squeeze back but nothing. In our final moments in that room we each spent a little time saying our last words to her. As I held her hand, I wasn't sure what I wanted to say and ended up whispering to her, I love you so much my sexual chocolate (a funny nickname we coined for each other in high school). Later that afternoon we received a call that Megan had peacefully passed. I like to believe that she waited for her close family and friends to come say their goodbyes.

I was supposed to start school 3 weeks later but wasn't sure if this was the best decision for me at that time. I was contemplating moving back to Seattle, as I felt like I had no real direction, everything seemed upside down. After much debate, I decided to follow through with school and owe a lot of that decision to Megan. She had so many talents and passions and about a year before she passed, had decided to make a career switch to pursue her passion of art full-time. We were are all so proud of her for following through on her dreams and I in particular was inspired to do the same - and knew now was my chance.

Those next few months kind of all blend together. I was traveling back and forth from San Francisco to Seattle almost every other week, working full-time and back in school, and all the while, job searching. A wave of different emotions would run through me on a daily basis. I would go from sad, to angry, to denial all at once. I didn't like being around people who didn't know her or couldn't relate to what I was going through. I spent so many late night hours going through photos, old text messages, Facebook posts - anything that would make me feel connected to Megan. It was hard to fall asleep so I relied on wine and weed most nights to get me to bed. I tried finding someone to talk to but never really felt a connection and she wasn't very understanding of my overloaded schedule, so I stopped seeing her after a few sessions. I would find myself feeling guilty for laughing or doing something fun and not thinking about Megan or shutting myself off when others would ask about her because I didn't want to get emotional. My family and Seattle friends were the only people I felt like I could turn to about it and they ended up being my rock during that time and our relationships grew to be so much closer. I will be forever grateful for that.

While in school we talked a bit about grief and how our diet and lifestyle habits can be affected. Going through some of steps that we would soon be using with clients such as keeping a food and activity journal, really allowed me to take a good look at how I was dealing with my grief. What was I eating when I was sad, how did it make me feel afterwards, how much I was exercising, how much alcohol I was consuming and in turn what my eating habits (specifically late night) looked like. It was a true awaking that I could do so much better.

My habits started to slowly shift over the next year or so. I started creating non-negotiables for myself. I no longer used alcohol or weed as a sleep aid and actually cut both out during the weekdays altogether. I found alternatives, like taking magnesium, Epsom salt baths, herbal teas, and purchased a diffuser for essential oils. I started incorporating adaptogens into my diet and other vitamins. I stopped making time an excuse when it came to getting my workouts in and stopped feeling guilty for swapping HITT workouts for yoga because the mental benefits were more important to me. If I really didn't have time to workout, I would make sure to at least get outside and walk or do breathing exercises during the day that would only take about 10 mins or so. I signed up to see a Medium and I swear, it was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It was more beneficial than all of my therapy sessions combined, I felt connected to Megan, felt like I got a bit of closure, and most importantly opened my eyes to a world so much bigger than us. I eventually found a therapist I did trust and connect with and ended up seeing her on a more regular basis. This also allowed me to feel more comfortable with being vulnerable and open up to more people besides my previously small trusted circle.

Even though I learned to start dealing with my grief in a healthier manner, I in no way have it all figured out. I don't think anyone truly does. Grief is a learning process. I still catch myself occasionally falling into past habits when the feelings come out of no where. But when I foresee it coming, typically during this week each year, I am able to turn towards these 10 things that have helped me in the past and hope that that can be beneficial to you as well.

1. Go to a happy place: For me, being near a body of water always seems to calm me and make me feel connected.

2. Talk to someone: I have always be a big advocate of therapy but even more so in the past few years. 

3. Feel your emotions: Cry, yell, hit a punching bag, do whatever is necessary to allow yourself to actually grieve. 

4. Move: This means yoga for me; moving, sweating, connecting to my breath, and chanting, all help me remember what I am grateful for.

5. Take adaptogens: These natural substances (herbs, mushrooms, and superfoods)help the body adapt to stress and stabilize cortisol levels.

6. Breathe: Meditate using apps like Headspace or doing breathing exercises (like the 4-7-8) sends signals to our brain that we are in control and safe. 

7. Be happy: Be happy for the memories you did have, be happy for whatever lessons you learned from this grief and most importantly be happy for the future. Remember that a moment can be both terrible and great at the same time. 

8. Connect with friends and family: Grief sometimes has a way of bringing people closer together, that's the bitter sweetness talked about above. Be thankful for it. 

9. Indulge: I believe in balance. Allow yourself to have a couple glasses of wine but don't make it a daily habit.

10. Write: Journal, blog, post on Instagram. Writing is therapeutic and sharing your story with others can help you heal and help others feel like they are not alone.